Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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