I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You pole danced in your parka.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
