i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
