Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
