I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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