Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
