We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
