WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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