Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
