Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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