Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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