I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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