How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
