Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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