I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
