I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
