I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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