Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
