Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
