I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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