and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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