Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
