Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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