you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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