if i can run in heels then i can drive
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
