His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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