he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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