I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
