Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I think I won the penis lottery.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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