im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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