And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
