u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
