No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
