Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
