i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
