dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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