my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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