Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I think i got beer on your cat.
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