I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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