I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16