Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
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He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
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I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.