How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?