Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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