Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
