It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
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she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
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I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize