Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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