Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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