Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
