I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
