literally had 100 drinks last night.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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