i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
