Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Drunk is a universal language darling
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