The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
