I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
