i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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