What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
