you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
