I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
