Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
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For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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