Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
